My Personal Journey: Toxic Love to Self-Love

Being single, abstinent, and {mostly} sober (I drink occasionally but not often) has been the biggest gift to myself. No dating apps, no sneaky links, no chasing anyone or anything to fill an imaginary void. It’s truly been such a blessing. Yes, sometimes I crave deep love and companionship but truth is I did find it in myself. I can go to dinner alone, to concerts alone, I can do whatever I want when I want.  I don’t need random people or dates to fill my time, I can thoroughly enjoy life on my own.

I am fully in my own energy at all times, and I truly think everyone should go through a period of their  life when they are fully to themselves. Sex is a sacred energy exchange and as a woman, a receiver, and multiplier it really is important to protect who you give your body to. I am not going to be receiving anyone’s funky energy, traumas, or projections of their own insecurities. Sex is not casual, it creates soul ties that can last lifetimes (trust me on this one).

When my parents separated they couldn’t stay single or sober for five minutes. Both of them had like a gazillion partners before they remarried and neither one of them could stay sober. My dad drinks every day and dated every woman who looked his way. From our soccer coaches, to teachers, to random women he met through business. He was never alone (but always felt like he was). He even bragged about this and looking back I am actually disgusted. He bragged about having women in every country and state, and he introduced us to a lot of them. Looking back at my childhood self, I am sad for her. That isn’t what a real man does, especially one with daughters, and why at  8, 9, 10, 11, 12, I knew about my Dad’s player lifestyle is beyond me. (Side note, all my guy friends in HS thought my Dad was so cool because of this-he wasn’t. He was co-dependent, a user and an abuser, please do not think this makes you a man. It doesn’t).

My mother drank so heavily post the divorce she had three DUI’s and spent up to 30 days in jail at one point. She moved in with any man she could, and one time I went to the beach with her and her friends, I was about 8/9 at the time, and I walked in on her being intimate with a stranger. I remember calling my Dad the next day and making him drive to the beach to get me. It was honestly traumatizing. She chose to travel the world with strangers, live at a nudist colony for a bit, and only popped back into our lives when she felt like it. Sometimes even without warning she would show up to our house. Get us all excited to see her, and then would disappear again.

She brought us to bars so she could dance, drink, and meet men. Even though she would only have custody of us for like one week out of the year, she still couldn’t for that one week just be a mom.  I’ll never forget my youngest brother who was probably 7 at the time, having to fall asleep under a table at a beach bar, because my mother was not ready to take us home. As a mother of three young kids, I honestly cannot imagine.

I broke the pattern of co-dependency for my family. That was just one of the patterns I was destined to break for my lineage. But I also broke the pattern of anger and resentment to my spouse. We ended our marriage with respect, grace, and a commitment to be loving partners in our co-parenting journey. I never wanted to get divorced after witnessing the horrific divorce of my parents. It was abusive on every level, towards each other, but mostly towards the three children.

When I told my Dad I was asking for a divorce and my ex was handling it well, my Dad literally put so much fear in me. He told me my ex would turn on me when he realized this was real. Well, Dad, you were wrong. It may have taken me a long time to get your voice out of my head, but last week we signed the petition to the courts to end our marriage. We did it together, with love and respect for our journey together. Your words may have delayed the process, but ultimately didn’t change the outcome.

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly, being single doesn’t mean you need to be out looking for your next victim, I mean partner. It can be beautiful. It can be respectful, not just for the children, but for the other person as well. I may have thought love was abusive and inconsistent due to the toxicity of the family I was born into, but my children will learn that love isn’t anything like that, from the family I choose to create. I have already created a better future for them by ending the past with grace.

Deep down, I always knew love was different than anything I had seen growing up, or experienced in my own life. I have made a vow to myself, to God, and my children that I will be whole (Holy) on my own until TRUE love comes along. Love that feels biblical. Kind, compassionate, empathetic, nurturing and honorable. Love that is consistent and stable. I want to experience that for myself, but also to set an example for my children.

Our marriage wasn’t easy, it was designed to break both of us of unhealthy patterns we have probably carried for lifetimes. Neither one of us were perfect, and I won’t ever put the blame on just one person. We both tolerated behavior we shouldn’t have. We both contributed to the problem, but we also both worked together to make it right for our children. I didn’t respect my ex during our marriage due to the things that occurred, but I respect him now for how he has handled me, our children, and our move post separation.

My grandmothers could never escape their marriages, even though I know they were unhealthy too. My mother escaped but never without the self-loathing that came with it. I escaped with self-respect and self-love, and that is how I broke the cycle for my family.

They say boys repeat the patterns they see in their fathers and girls accept that behavior in their own life. From what I have seen, that is true. As parents, it is up to us to not repeat unhealthy patterns. I don’t want my boys replicating what they saw in their early years, and I definitely don’t want my daughter accepting that as love. There is no such thing as a “normal amount of abuse”. Abuse is abuse.

I am proud to say I broke those patterns. I am proud of the woman I have become, despite everything I have been through. I am proud to stand on my own two feet. Without any familial support, I became who I am on my OWN. No one can ever take that away from me. God gave me a gift on a new life, and I am bound and determined to make it a good one, actually a GREAT one.

I went from only knowing toxic love, to true self-love. To knowing fully what it feels like to be held by God in the midst of the storms. God carried me through. God, the father, taught me what a Father’s love should look and feel like, and I, the mother, will teach my children (and myself) what a mother’s love should look and feel like.

I share my journey for anyone who is struggling to break patterns. I share my journey to release the shame, guilt, and toxic cycles. I share my journey so no one has to feel alone. Healing takes time, there is no rush, true love will find you when you are whole (Holy) on your own. Filled to the brim with self-love, so you are not seeking a love outside yourself, only for you to share the love you have within yourself.

If you are struggling, please do not hesitate to reach out for support. I can help you identify the patterns in your own life, and help you find ways to heal. You do not have to walk your journey alone. You deserve to feel whole (Holy) within yourself. God never wanted perfect, but He does want you to break cycles of unhealthy patterns so you do not perpetuate them on to the people around you. Break those cycles! You are worthy of a God given life and love.